Kterak jsem se na Boží hod ztratila s GPSkou.

Vydáno: 30. června 2014 | Autor: SciurusT | Rubriky: Hledání pokladů, Začínáme lovit | Tisk

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Pro začátek bych měla uvést, že jsem studentkou gymnázia a že mi v době této příhody bylo deset. Jo a v Bohnicích doopravdy nebydlím. Bydlím na Barrandově poblíž filmových ateliérů.

To jen abyste pochopili, že moje inteligence je celkem normální a za to, co se mi stalo, může výhradně moje smůla a antitalent na elektronické serepatičky. A samozřejmě také křoví.

Ten rok byly Vánoce bez sněhu. Vlastně to ani pořádné Vánoce nebyly. Vánoce bez sněhu, to je jako ... léto bez slunce. To prostě nejde k sobě. Ale tentokrát to tak bylo. Neříkám, že to byly špatné Vánoce. Já jsem se na ně velice těšila. A proč? Dostala jsem totiž svou první GPSku. Bylo by hezké říct, že ležela zabalená v nenápadném balicím papíře úplně dole u paty stromečku a že jsem ji rozbalila až úplně nakonec, když moje naděje skoro pohasla a tato příhoda ze mě učinila nesrovnatelně lepšího člověka, leč nebylo tomu tak. Ve skutečnosti jsem ji našla po částech rozvěšenou v ulici Na Souvrati v Plzni pět dnů před Vánoci. No vážně! Dostala jsem ji totiž k narozeninám, i když vzhledem k tomu, že jsem se narodila 19. prosince, vyjde to celkem nastejno. A nutno říct, že jsem jejímu nalezení a sestavení zdánlivě nesouvislých věciček věnovala asi tolik energie, jako kdybych s maniakálním výrazem zuřivě rozhazovala dárky pod stromečkem, s bojovým křikem z nich strhávala balicí papír a v okamžiku nesoustředění si vlasy připalovala o svíčky a prskavky. Za to, že jste dne 19.12 2009 mohli v Plzni-Zátiší vidět mrňavou holku zoufale běhající po ulici nahoru a dolů, plazící se po zábradlí železniční lávky, vloupávající se do zaparkovaného auta a demolující poštovní schránku, můžete vděčit mému strejdovi, který to celé vymyslel. Pomstila jsem se mu.

Dobře, když už jsem se tedy dostatečně vypovídala a ulevila své ztýrané duši, kterak jsem hrdinsky poskládala GPSku, mohla bych říct, proč jsem to celé vlastně absolvovala. Jsem totiž zapáleným hráčem hry geocaching (kdo neví, má internet a strýček google poradí) a bez GPSky se tato hra provozovat nedá. Tedy, abych byla upřímná, dá, my jsme ji bez ní hráli celý rok, ale s GPSkou je to jaksi zajímavější. A já jsem GPSku prostě moc a moc chtěla.
Je tedy paradoxní, že jsem se poprvé k jejímu vyzkoušení odhodlala až o šest dnů později.

Boží hod je v naší rodině vždy klidný. Dopoledne trávíme doma, dojídáme cukroví a prozkoumáváme ty nové báječné dárky. Kdyby bylo podle nás, dětí, mohla by tahle vánoční pohoda pokračovat i odpoledne, ale to bychom nesměly mít výletomilovné a zdravývzduchmilovné rodiče. Ti nás tedy vyhnali na procházku. Měli jsme jít k Mariánské studánce v Chuchli a zase zpátky. Sestřička byla správně otrávená, ale já ji zradila a byla jsem správně nadšená. Vždyť to byla ideální příležitost k vyzkoušení mé nové elektronické hračky. U Mariánské studánky je totiž schovaná jedna keška, kterou jsem tak měla exkluzivní šanci odlovit. Vzala jsem si tedy své vybavení, které se skládalo z jedné malé kabely a GPSky (teď toto vybavení zahrnuje jeden středně velký, kompletně narvaný batoh, kalhoty s velkými kapsami a chaoticky poztrácené listingy). Na cestu jsme se vydali asi okolo druhé hodiny odpolední.

Upozorňuji, že doopravdy není moje chyba, že jsou Barrandovské ateliéry tak příšerně zarostlé. To křoví jsem tam nesázela. Vyšli jsme totiž zadem, přes již zmíněné ateliéry. Odtamtud jsme se chtěli napojit na normální cestu a pokračovat ke studánce. Já jsem absolvovala jen ten první úsek. Na cestě křovinami jsem si totiž začala zadávat souřadnice do GPSky. Ještě jsem to neuměla (a neumím to ani teď, po šesti letech) a trochu se do toho zamotala, takže jsem přestala sledovat, kam mířím já a kam míří zbytek příbuzenstva. Nemusím říkat, že to, že jsem se jim ztratila, jsem zaregistrovala asi až po deseti minutách. Zmobilizovala jsem tedy svůj pochybný orientační smysl a pustila se směrem, kde jsem rodiče přibližně tušila. Protože mám indiánskou výchovu od svého tatínka, bylo mi okamžitě jasné, že musím vyhledat nějaký vyvýšený bod a zkusit je dohledat z výšky. Ještě že zrovna v ateliérech točili zřejmě bombardování, takže tam bylo umělých kopců jak máku. Vyškrabala jsem se na jeden z nich a ostřížím zrakem jsem se začala rozhlížet po okolí. Nic. Pak mě zasáhl oslnivý, výborný nápad, vytáhla jsem píšťalku a začala jsem tropit takový hluk, že to zřejmě muselo vyrušit od oběda i lvy v Africe. Ale moji rodiče ani sestřička to zřejmě neslyšeli. Raději jsem toho nechala, protože moje ušní bubínky hrozily protestní peticí a hlasivky generální stávkou. Začala jsem tedy vymýšlet PLÁNY. To je taková moje specialita. Vždycky si v krizových situacích okamžitě začnu vymýšlet plány, reagující na všechny předpokládané, tušené i vysoce nepravděpodobné možnosti dalšího vývinu situace. Demokratickým hlasováním jsem z nich vybrala jeden geniální a samozřejmě (alespoň pro tu chvíli) velice účinný plán. Dala jsem si do GPSky vyhledávání kešky u studánky a vydala jsem se do lesa přímo za šipkou, protože mapu jsem ovládat neuměla. Tím směrem měla ležet studánka a já doufala, že se u studánky dřív nebo později objeví i rodiče. Ne, doopravdy nevím, proč jsem se prostě nevrátila domů. A ještě pro úplnost. Mobil jsem si tam zapomněla. Vrhla jsem se tedy za šipkou do Chuchelské džungle vstříc nástrahám a divé zvěři.

To že jdu blbě, mi došlo ve chvíli, kdy jsem došla na kraj neprostupného houští. Neměla jsem ani tušení, kudy se dát a tak jsem experimentálně zkusila pěšinku vlevo. Orientační smysl mě i tentokrát hrubě zradil. Nicméně jsem naivně věřila GPSce a vrátila se do šipkou udávaného směru ve chvíli, kdy les začal být alespoň částečně prostupný. Podle GPSky byla studánka v té chvíli asi dvě stě metrů ode mě. Bohužel ale GPSka neuvedla, že z toho sto metrů je kolmo dolů. Začala jsem sestupovat po něčem, co možná bylo cesta, tedy já jsem v tom ve svém zoufalství cestu viděla. Byly to betonové desky, pod kterými vedlo potrubí s čímsi (nevím čím a nechci to vědět). Na deskách leželo mokré listí, což je pravděpodobně ten nejklouzavější materiál na světě a sem tam v nich byly díry, což je s vše překrývajícím listím vražedná kombinace. Sestoupila jsem pár metrů. Pak spolu zareagovala gravitace, nulové tření, mimořádně kluzké cosi a fakt, že jsem v jedné ruce držela GPSku a neustále do ní zírala, a já jsem zbylých devadesát metrů sjela po zádech. Zastavila jsem se dole. Byla jsem celkem nezraněná, jen se k panice ještě přidal šok a mohutná umazanost. Ale studánka byla jen pár desítek metrů ode mě. Vyrazila jsem k ní s nadějí a napřaženou GPSkou v ruce. Ale ouha! U studánky nikdo nebyl. Má naděje skoro pohasla. Ale vedena jakýmsi instinktem jsem se vydala, namísto naprosto logicky zpět domů (kam bych ale pravděpodobně netrefila, protože souřadnice domu jsem zadané neměla), cestou, která vedla od studánky nahoru. Po zkušenosti z těch betonových desek, byla normální cesta s listím, psími exkrementy, šutry a zrádnými kořeny vítaný luxus. A světe div se, po pár metrech jsem uviděla dvě postavy, sestupující z hora ke mně, dolů. Máma u Zuzu! Radostně jsem se k nim rozeběhla. Mé ztracení skončilo.

Ano, normální ztracené holčičky by jejich maminky a mladší sestřičky přivítaly v slzách, polibky a vlídnými slovy. Ne tak mne. Máma na mně byla příšerně naštvaná a ségra se mnou tím pádem odmítla mluvit. Zkazila jsem celý výlet, naprosto nezodpovědně se ztratila a svého tatínka zbytečně hnala zpátky domů, kam mě šel hledat. No prostě skandál! Ale já byla velice šťastná. Tátu jsme po chvíli objevily také a mohli se zase jako jedna celá rodina vrátit domů, do klidné pohody Božího hodu.

Mám pocit, že takhle debilně se ztratit prostě dokážu jen já. Na Boží hod, s GPSkou, bez mobilu a v lese, kde jsem už dvacetkrát byla. A i kdyby to někdo doopravdy dokázal, v žádném případě by určitě nezvolil cestu přes kluzké betonové desky. A i kdyby ano, určitě by si alespoň odlovil tu zatracenou kešku, kvůli které to celé absolvoval. Nemusím asi ani poznamenávat, že jsem tu kešku našla asi až o rok později na třetí pokus. Teď, poprvé jsem na ni totiž zapomněla a podruhé jsem měla v GPSce zadané špatné souřadnice. Ještě dodám, že mamka po zkušenosti se mnou vymyslela přísloví ‚Co se do GPSky zadá, to se z GPSky ozývá', že mobil zapomínám pravidelně a že to křoví pořád ještě nikdo neposekal. Toto je tedy pravdivé, autentické a v původním úmyslu vtipné vylíčení toho, kterak jsem se na Boží hod ztratila s GPSkou.

Lovu zdar!

Autor: SciurusT

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